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Sep. 19th, 2007 11:01 pmI feel like I've been contending with fate a lot, lately.
I've gotten very scared because I feel like I can tell what fate has in store for me. This, of course, all started with my arrest. In the back of the cop car, and later, in the wagon (but not in the cells because I could not control my thoughts very well there), I withdrew deep into myself and I tried to talk with fate, to make deals with her. I offered compromise, sacrifice, promise upon promise. i owned up to the knowledge that what i did was wrong, that what was happening to me was inevitable. then i began to guess at how 'they' wanted me to live my life. i live it pretty morally, despite what many of you may think. i don't create any hatred or bad feelings amongst people, i don't lie, i don't mislead or mistreat people if i can help it. i don't act selfishly, and i often think about the wishes of others before myself.
now i think about it somewhat differently. after the awesome show on saturday (in which i felt like such a rockstar), i had a great lot of fun and i didn't step upon the toes of my own morality. and i realized, maybe fate just wants me to go on operating as i do. i want to make music, i want to perform it, i want to get a better job, move, take a vacation, take a road trip, take a pretty girl on an adventure date! i've had a lot of strange and deep moments lately. the kind i envy characters in movies and books, when i read about or see it happen to them. when the symbolism is substantial but not too veiled, and gives them just the proper enticing push.
i know it's fate again. she's leading me somewhere else. i wonder how it's going to be this time. i wonder if i'll be smart enough to take a few steps back every now and then, and to soak it all in.
I've gotten very scared because I feel like I can tell what fate has in store for me. This, of course, all started with my arrest. In the back of the cop car, and later, in the wagon (but not in the cells because I could not control my thoughts very well there), I withdrew deep into myself and I tried to talk with fate, to make deals with her. I offered compromise, sacrifice, promise upon promise. i owned up to the knowledge that what i did was wrong, that what was happening to me was inevitable. then i began to guess at how 'they' wanted me to live my life. i live it pretty morally, despite what many of you may think. i don't create any hatred or bad feelings amongst people, i don't lie, i don't mislead or mistreat people if i can help it. i don't act selfishly, and i often think about the wishes of others before myself.
now i think about it somewhat differently. after the awesome show on saturday (in which i felt like such a rockstar), i had a great lot of fun and i didn't step upon the toes of my own morality. and i realized, maybe fate just wants me to go on operating as i do. i want to make music, i want to perform it, i want to get a better job, move, take a vacation, take a road trip, take a pretty girl on an adventure date! i've had a lot of strange and deep moments lately. the kind i envy characters in movies and books, when i read about or see it happen to them. when the symbolism is substantial but not too veiled, and gives them just the proper enticing push.
i know it's fate again. she's leading me somewhere else. i wonder how it's going to be this time. i wonder if i'll be smart enough to take a few steps back every now and then, and to soak it all in.
