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the reason i am awake right now
Jul. 21st, 2005 03:36 amI had a horrible migraine upon waking up today. Why? The heat, the humidity, a storm brewing in the sky, and also because I tried smoking my old favorite band of cigarettes.
It got me thinking, and yes this is tangential...I get allergic to nearly everything I do. Hell, I even quit sex for a year. I get allergic to any medicine I take for more than a few times. I have stopped playing guitar a few times in my life...though I've never been fired I have quit many jobs that I didn't want to. I've quit loving my family, only to love them again later. I've quit friends for no reason other than I am 'flighty'. I've called them back. I've quit other friends because they are bad people. I haven't called them back. No, wait; I have, and they were still evil. I've quit driving carefully, only to quit paying the tickets when they came. I've quit love. I am not sure how to turn it back on fully. I know I love Michelle. For the longest time I was so scared of how much she loved me. I wanted to run or tell her that I didn't deserve it, or that I didn't love her back and never would. (I hadn't realized how scarred my little trompe through the harem of scarred girls had left me) I wanted to intentionally get sick of her. I almost did. I thought I didn't have enough time for the band and her. Now I'm glad I didn't, because I do love her. I know this...but it still feels dulled...I really think I did something to my emotions back there, I am not sure when, but they don't work like they used to. Oh yeah, and if you didn't know, I'm an aquarius. We're accidentally dangerous people.
There's a few things that have never grown old, however. There are a few things I don't want to quit. These are the things I will never be good at. I quit skiing because I had mastered it. I replaced it with snowboarding which I suck at. I loved it. Then I quit being somewhere where there was snow. I hate it. I wish I hadn't quit guitar all those times; I'd be better. Now I see that I don't have to focus on just that. I want to orchestrate amazingly thick songs that soak into your emotions. I will. I won't quit this.
Anyhow. The migraine was terrible; it lasted all day and night. In order to fight it off, there was a lot of caffeine consumed. Sleep won't be an option for a bit. Being up at wee hours reminds me of other times. If I bring the other subject up in this context I wonder how much of my finite life I have wasted quitting things? Arrrr....or being online for that matter...I need sleep!
It got me thinking, and yes this is tangential...I get allergic to nearly everything I do. Hell, I even quit sex for a year. I get allergic to any medicine I take for more than a few times. I have stopped playing guitar a few times in my life...though I've never been fired I have quit many jobs that I didn't want to. I've quit loving my family, only to love them again later. I've quit friends for no reason other than I am 'flighty'. I've called them back. I've quit other friends because they are bad people. I haven't called them back. No, wait; I have, and they were still evil. I've quit driving carefully, only to quit paying the tickets when they came. I've quit love. I am not sure how to turn it back on fully. I know I love Michelle. For the longest time I was so scared of how much she loved me. I wanted to run or tell her that I didn't deserve it, or that I didn't love her back and never would. (I hadn't realized how scarred my little trompe through the harem of scarred girls had left me) I wanted to intentionally get sick of her. I almost did. I thought I didn't have enough time for the band and her. Now I'm glad I didn't, because I do love her. I know this...but it still feels dulled...I really think I did something to my emotions back there, I am not sure when, but they don't work like they used to. Oh yeah, and if you didn't know, I'm an aquarius. We're accidentally dangerous people.
There's a few things that have never grown old, however. There are a few things I don't want to quit. These are the things I will never be good at. I quit skiing because I had mastered it. I replaced it with snowboarding which I suck at. I loved it. Then I quit being somewhere where there was snow. I hate it. I wish I hadn't quit guitar all those times; I'd be better. Now I see that I don't have to focus on just that. I want to orchestrate amazingly thick songs that soak into your emotions. I will. I won't quit this.
Anyhow. The migraine was terrible; it lasted all day and night. In order to fight it off, there was a lot of caffeine consumed. Sleep won't be an option for a bit. Being up at wee hours reminds me of other times. If I bring the other subject up in this context I wonder how much of my finite life I have wasted quitting things? Arrrr....or being online for that matter...I need sleep!
