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Oct. 4th, 2003 06:00 pmI thought I was so strong. I figured, if I've been to the lowest of the lows, and smiled most of the time, and was mostly happy during those times...and was strong enough to pull myself up...I figured that's about as close to stable and invincible as you can get.
I went from being broke, carless, homeless, etc...to a pretty decent setup in a small amount of time. It was a mixture of my weird drive and luck. Anyhow, all along, I knew I would be ok...because I had seen pretty much the worst it could get, and I smiled at it when it came at me, and then I just climbed right over it. One little fuckup with money when you are broke is no big deal. One little fuckup with money when you are supposedly rich is quite a big deal. I am not sure if it's the fact that I now have 'stuff', or the fact that the corporate boss attitude has sunken into me and changed me...but, I cannot accept my own failure. Not only am I wondering how to survive in the 2 weeks that I have to wait before I am 'rich' again....
but then a girl from four years ago somehow hops back into my life. It's not worth getting into now, but she reminded me of the ghosts I left back up in MA. Basically, I was in a pretty bad state in Amherst, and ... no matter how good it was for my music, hah, it really caused me to make some funky decisions. I denied what could be true love in the name of convenience and other such things. Why? Because I knew I was only half of me. Anyhow, this friend from way back when fills me in on the three years in between then and now...and I realized my decisions based on weakness four years ago basically screwed up the lives of a lot more people than just myself.
So. If i just pressed 'submit' right now..that's exactly what I'd be doing....submitting to the shit situation and hiding from my actions.
I've always been the kind of person to make things happen, and not to wait for them. When I sit back, bad things happen. So the first step is to survive this week. I have enough frozen food and whatnot, plus...Hali seems to enjoy taking care of me. I am not sure. Anyhow. Soon afterwards...since I've been planning it anyhow...I'll go to Massachusetts. I will try my best to tie off any loose ends without burning any bridges. This might not be possible without just moving back there. The 'logic' half of my brain says "but what will you do when you get there?" and the 'intuition' part of my brain says "you'll do what you have to do; it can't be predetermined".
Well! Time to go do non-violent boring stuff.
I went from being broke, carless, homeless, etc...to a pretty decent setup in a small amount of time. It was a mixture of my weird drive and luck. Anyhow, all along, I knew I would be ok...because I had seen pretty much the worst it could get, and I smiled at it when it came at me, and then I just climbed right over it. One little fuckup with money when you are broke is no big deal. One little fuckup with money when you are supposedly rich is quite a big deal. I am not sure if it's the fact that I now have 'stuff', or the fact that the corporate boss attitude has sunken into me and changed me...but, I cannot accept my own failure. Not only am I wondering how to survive in the 2 weeks that I have to wait before I am 'rich' again....
but then a girl from four years ago somehow hops back into my life. It's not worth getting into now, but she reminded me of the ghosts I left back up in MA. Basically, I was in a pretty bad state in Amherst, and ... no matter how good it was for my music, hah, it really caused me to make some funky decisions. I denied what could be true love in the name of convenience and other such things. Why? Because I knew I was only half of me. Anyhow, this friend from way back when fills me in on the three years in between then and now...and I realized my decisions based on weakness four years ago basically screwed up the lives of a lot more people than just myself.
So. If i just pressed 'submit' right now..that's exactly what I'd be doing....submitting to the shit situation and hiding from my actions.
I've always been the kind of person to make things happen, and not to wait for them. When I sit back, bad things happen. So the first step is to survive this week. I have enough frozen food and whatnot, plus...Hali seems to enjoy taking care of me. I am not sure. Anyhow. Soon afterwards...since I've been planning it anyhow...I'll go to Massachusetts. I will try my best to tie off any loose ends without burning any bridges. This might not be possible without just moving back there. The 'logic' half of my brain says "but what will you do when you get there?" and the 'intuition' part of my brain says "you'll do what you have to do; it can't be predetermined".
Well! Time to go do non-violent boring stuff.
